so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
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I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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40s are totally the cure
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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