can we get nightvision for the apartment?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
