dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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