worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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