she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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