The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
