I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
