Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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