I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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