You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
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The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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