Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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