I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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