I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
