Your face is a jimmy john
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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