Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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