My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
