the condom got lost in my hair
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
