Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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