One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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