were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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