Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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