On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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