I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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