my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
