Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
