I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
