hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
