i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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