I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
