a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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