Yo dont text me then not text me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
