I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
