i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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