i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
