i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
