I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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