How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
