I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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