There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
