I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
