I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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