I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
