I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
