saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
