Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
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And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
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And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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