I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Damn victory sex feels great
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
