Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
