dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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