my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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