you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
