just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
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The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
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He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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