Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
