I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
