He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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